Better Communication with the Opposite Sex
Men are firefighters and women are explorers and understanding this fundamental communication difference can lead to greater connections with the opposite sex.
I was reflecting on how this difference developed after a particularly heated discussion with my wife which funnily enough was over how we could communicate better. I was expressing my frustrations around what I perceived as a lack of depth on her part when it came to our conversations, while she felt my curiosity was actually undermining her as I seemed to set on constant ‘challenge’ mode. During this discussion, it reminded once again that as men and women we look at the same situation and see vastly different perspectives. Think about this now I am thinking back to the different roles men and women played at the dawn of man as a tribal animal. In our earliest, social groups men were hunters and women gatherers and communicated in very different ways. There are modern examples of this break down in labor division, and a Google search for Mbuti of the Ituri Forest or the Copper Inuit of the Arctic will give you a much more detail on modern day hunter gatherers.
When I was younger I went hunting several times around Nelson where I grew up and learned quickly that as a hunter silence is essential, communication is limited to what is necessary to coordinate the activity; mission achieved the celebrations can begin. It's also straightforward to measure success vs. failure in this situation. Either you kill an animal, and the tribe eats, or you don’t there is very little middle ground with hunting. In other words, it’s all about the outcome.
For gathers it was very different! Admittedly I am basing my experience on my foraging missions to the supermarket with my wife and daughter, but fundamentally I believe it reflects the modern world's version of gathering. Women as gathers would often work in groups and children would accompany them as they searched for food. In these situations, communication was vital to maintain the safety of the group and to increase the effectiveness of the gathering by encouraging coordination and the sharing of experiences. I imagine that the young being involved in these activities would have played a significant role as these times would have been perfect teaching opportunities as the adults guided and nurtured the young’s curiosity.
Moving forward to the present world with men I see this ‘hunter’ style of communication repeated time and time again. Men are goal orientated we seek to solve a problem and move on. Or as I said at the start of the article, fight a fire. Once the fire is out, we begin to look for the next fire. Often as men, we have already sorted out in our heads what the issue/challenge/problem/goal is before we even speak and when we communicate we are seeking support from people around us towards this end. More often than not, it's achieved by sharing only the details we perceive as important in relation to solving the problem. Think about your own life and how as a man you're often in problem-solving mode when dealing with people around you.
For me work is an excellent example of this fire fighting mentality. I am continually attempting to solve shit around me in the most efficient way with minimal fuss. Some of my female colleagues have told me that I sometimes come across as abrasive due to my directness and that this in itself has been a barrier to me solving things. Thanks to the honest feedback I have received I have had to go out and develop my communication toolkit to include a more passive approach that allows others, in particular, female colleagues the room they need to experience the challenge in front of them and feel what solution would best fit. It hasn’t been easy for me.
The other example from my own life where men tend to connect in the completion of a task that springs to mind. Are my days of playing rugby and the way that we came together as a group, united by our shared goal of trying to win a game. How we felt during this experience was not a focus, the act of working together to come away with the win was enough.
When a man talks about a problem he is facing, he is generally looking at the solution and wondering if you can help achieve it.
It also means that as men when we hear a woman speak, we are conditioned to look for ways to solve the problem she is communicating. As I have learned through experience with my wife; women aren’t looking for you to solve all their problems!
When a woman speaks, she uses the conversation itself to explore how she is feeling and what it is she actually wants to express. Women bond through the act of sharing their thoughts and feelings. Through discussions with women over the years, I have always been amazed at their seemingly natural comfort with open and vulnerable communication.
One thing that I believe men can learn a lot from women regarding communication skills is the idea that the conversation itself is a gift and that the value it creates only enriches any outcome. Too often in my life, I have been so focused on achieving the result at best I rushed the opportunity to communicate and build connection; at worse dismissed entirely as an annoyance.
Women use emotions to fuel their communication, and they see it very much as an exploration of themselves and their thoughts. As men the more we can understand and appreciate that, the more powerful our connections with women become. A powerful tool I use all the time with my wife is silence as it gives her the space she needs to undertake this exploration.
For women, understanding a man’s powerful drive to solve things and being transparent with them when you are open to them doing so.
The higher level of understanding and acceptance we can have about the communication differences between men and women, the higher the opportunity for us to develop extraordinary connections becomes.
I hope you enjoyed this post. Any questions your discussion points please feel free to email/message me. I am always open to feedback.
