Letting Go Of Neediness
I remember when my parents gave me my first Nokia brick as a kid. I was stoked to get this phone, I imagined people would like me more, I would become cooler and all my troubles would be solved. In short, I was going to be the man! I remember I went to school with this thing in my bag and at the first opportunity to show off to my mates pulled it out. One of the guys in my group who was the cool kid was like ‘what a piece of shit’ and started to tease me. When I think back on this story I can smile about it now, kids can be cruel and I doubt this one event that is seared vividly in my memory is a reflection of this guy’s true character. The reason I started with this is to highlight before I got a phone, I just wanted a phone, when I got the phone I was stoked, but as soon as I failed to receive the external validation that I had felt would come from this I became ashamed and angry with my parents for giving me a shitty phone and I demanded they buy me a better one. I chased an external outcome through neediness which failed to fulfil my perceived expectations.
For me chasing outcomes is one of the most toxic things that I find people doing for their own wellbeing. When people I have worked with through coaching have redefined the measurements of success in their life and focused on value-based goal setting I have seen a massive shift not only in their self-contentment but also their ability to achieve the very outcomes they had previously chased through neediness.
Let’s define outcomes a bit more.
Outcomes are things we desire such as wealth, a powerful job or a hot partner they are external symbols of our success that we crave to fill a void within ourselves. We want others to admire these achievements, become envious of us and jealous. Why, because neediness is driven by our own dark feelings of envy and jealousy towards those we perceive as being more successful and our need to receive validation from the world around us.
The feelings of obsession, manipulation, failure and fear often go hand in hand with our pursuit of these external outcomes. For me, at times I could best describe it as a hunger that I was never able to satisfy. I remember having a need to try and only date girls that got positive approval from my social peers for their appearance. My neediness to be seen as the ‘man’ and have the ‘hot’ girlfriend caused me to be ashamed and sabotage relationships with people I had a real connection with, all because of various comments about weight, height or looks being made. It also made me seriously envious of my friends as I always felt that my ability to pull the hot girl was inferior to theirs and even though they may not have realized it at the time, put me in a constant internal competition with them to try and get one up all the time. The net result of all of this, I was lonely even when I was with someone.
A more current neediness I have recognized is based on my boat and my desire to get a bigger, better, badass fishing machine. When I am out on the water fishing, I will often see much flashier, machines cruising past and I can feel pangs of envy and jealousy creeping up inside me. Sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like to own a particular boat, other times I get angry about the perceived injustice of it all and the fact that the person behind the wheel of the other craft must have had some undeserved lucky break to achieve their current status.
Having discussed this with many of my coaching clients I am convinced that for most of us if we things of situations in our life similar to the above we won’t feel too good about them. I firmly believe that neediness comes attached with the I’m not good enough story that so many people tell themselves.
As part of understanding neediness, it’s important to consider where it came from. The main culprit is, unfortunately, our childhoods as it’s here we develop the crushing fear of rejection and social isolation. Many of the people I have spoken to have developed a belief that their happiness is firmly attached to others and that contentment can be achieved through the accumulation of external validation. The message that we can fill the void within ourselves through the addition of external things is constantly played throughout the media and our social circles.
A question that comes up often for people is how to set goals that don’t lead to neediness. For me, it’s about focusing on setting internal goals based on your own values that don’t require external measurements to be successful. For example, I have a goal to be a good public speaker and invest heavily into this goal in terms of time and emotion. If I am not judged as ‘good’ by the external world around me then it can be a very negative experience for me regardless of the significant effort I have put in. Value based goal setting would allow me to redefine this goal into something like acting with courage and honesty in social speaking situations. This allows me to judge my own success and build on my own self-worth as I can act with honesty and courage regardless of the quality of my public speaking. If I keep doing this regardless of external validation it is almost impossible for me not to improve, thereby fulfilling the outcome I was previously chasing through neediness.
So how do you combat neediness? I try and set goals based on my internal values that only require my assessment of their success for validation. As neediness can be a fluid thing I constantly recheck whether I am starting to move into requiring external validation and if I am it always comes back to the idea that somehow, I am not good enough as is and need something or someone to fill the void.
For me, another powerful tool in combating neediness is to start doing activities that have no measurable external benefit for yourself. Go out and do good in the world specifically avoiding things that you can directly gain from. At a low point in my life, I decided that as I couldn’t seem to sort my own shit out, I would try and help others in need. I became a Big Buddy mentor https://www.bigbuddy.org.nz not fully realizing what I was getting myself in for and I had no goal in mind other than pushing my comfort zone and doing something I was a little afraid of. Happily, this was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life as it allowed me to connect with a wonderful young boy who has now become a highly successful man in his own right. It really opened my eyes to just how powerful giving can be without an attachment to particular outcome.
If you are unsure about committing to some sort of charity work another wonderful idea suggested by one of the Brojo family is to write letters to those around you expressing your gratitude for how they make your world a better place and sharing some of your own vulnerability. The response can be life changing for the both of you and is also a great way to create a connection.
Hopefully, the above actions help you get a sense of what it’s like to focus on internal goals and self-development and not chase external gratification for your wellbeing. Getting to a stage in your own mind where you no longer need to chase outcomes is not only fulfilling but also liberating. It also doesn’t mean that you’re not striving for success or growth you just measure these in a different way more in line with your values.
