Why Your Partner Cheats
Your partner cheats for the same reason I did. Because they choose too! Sorry if that seems too simple but it’s true. Infidelity is a choice, in fact, it usually involves lots of choices that lead up to one big decision. All the stories people tell themselves and their partners to justify why they couldn’t stay loyal are all bullshit. Excuses like
‘it just happened’ – no it didn’t, you don’t cheat by accident, what decisions did you make to put yourself in a situation to be unfaithful.
‘alcohol made me do it’ - no it didn’t you just needed it to overcome your own shame, guilt, and fear.
‘I didn’t mean it’ – oh yes you did.
Or any of the other millions of justifications people, including myself have used to try and make themselves feel better about cheating on their partners.
Now we have got what I believe is the obvious out of the way, lets explore a couple of the stories more deeply as I believe what lies beneath them are the fundamental factors behind why people make the choice to cheat.
Unhappiness with your partner is a common story that people use to justify their actions. When I have unpacked this with people, beneath the many layers of fear and confusion it always comes down to the same thing.
Your partner is not a good fit for you and your values.
I have spoken to lots of people who have stayed in relationships they weren’t happy in. Some of these people invest years into a bad fit relationship out of the fear, not wanting to risk the comfortable familiarity of the unhappiness they know or to avoid the sense of failure that comes with a break up. Interestingly not all of these unhappy relationships result in cheating, which further reinforces my belief that cheating is 100% choice.
Having worked through this theory with some of the people I have coached it's clear to me that in these case's for whatever reason fear prevents people making the right choice. Instead of embracing honesty and dealing with the underlying issue of a poor fit partner, cheaters go out and seek comfort in those who are potentially better fits. This doesn’t mean that their current partner is a bad person or is even doing anything ‘wrong’ in the relationship it’s just simply people can only force interest for so long. The cheater seeks connection with other people to fill the void their partner cannot.
If you're currently in this situation then you need to be honest with yourself first and foremost. Who are you kidding if you think being unhappy is worth your investment! Also, think about your partner, it's likely they feel the disconnect between the two of you as well. I truly believe the best and really the only thing you can do in this situation is get out for both your sakes, give both of you the opportunity to find someone that is a good fit.
So far, all the evidence I have seen tells me that even in the absence of something as poisonous as cheating, a bad fit relationship will not work out in the end. Our base fears around being unhappy and lonely often cause us to remain in a situation where the very feelings we seek to avoid are the most prevalent.
Freedom or to be specific the value of freedom is the other main driver behind cheating. This one is the most relevant of the two for me as it was the driving factor behind my disloyalty. I have always valued my freedom highly and as such, I started to twist what this meant in terms of relationships and my commitment to them. I was highly fearful that by committing to a relationship I would lose my freedom that was such an important value for me. With this misconception in place, I felt that my only choice to maintain my freedom was to be unfaithful.
After unpacking this I came to realize that I had twisted this value completely on its head. Before I entered into a relationship my fear of losing my freedom was already causing me to pull away. What I came to realize was that this was the very opposite of freedom! I was discounting the possibility of being committed and faithful to one person and forcing myself to embrace cheating as a way to be free. What I realize now and what has allowed me to embrace marriage is that my freedom is in the choice I get to make every day. I choose to stay in my current relationship, I choose not to pursue other women. I could, of course, choose to do the opposite but that’s the freedom.
What the above choice also means is that I have embraced responsibility for my decisions. I can’t hide behind the stories to justify my actions. It’s all on me if I make the choice. Luckily, I find it an easy choice to make as being unfaithful never made me happy, in fact, it made me miserable. All the guilt, shame and fear that were attached to the choices due to the confliction with my values around honesty, empathy and integrity.
Ask yourself why are you cheating on your partner?
How much damage has all the manipulation and deception caused to your own wellbeing?
Have you felt miserable because of the values conflict that cheating causes?
How much time are you investing into something that makes you unhappy?
Is this person that I am in a relationship with actually the right person for me?
Think about the values that are driving your decision making, are you afraid to take responsibility for the choices your making.
Consider the possibility that fear is stopping you making the right call and that being courageous and dealing with the underlying problems whilst painful, will ultimately result in a better outcome for you and your partner.
If you have made it this far, thanks for reading. Would love to know what you think and if you found this helpful. If you have a specific question around this that you feel I might be able to help you on feel free to leave a comment or contact me through my website.
