Relationship Happiness

Hello everyone so my friend Dave has asked me to contribute to his blog. I said to him what do you want me to write about and he said talk about why you're happier in your relationship now than you were before. So, I will.

I learned a lot from my last relationship. I'm 45 and have been in and out of relationships since I started having them in my late teens. When my last relationship was turning, sour I had to ask myself If I am still single after all these years then I have to start looking at myself.

This was difficult because even though I had made mistakes in this relationship and wanted to take responsibility for my behavior it also did not mean that this situation was right for me. In the end, luckily, it became very clear that it wasn't and I was able to make a clean break.

But, what am I trying to do differently? Number one is I am always trying to make my new partner my first priority. Guys, that doesn't mean being under the thumb or that I'm going to forget my mates! Or that I give up on any future goals and dreams…but in the future if I decide to pursue a passion when talking to my girlfriend about it, now I would say “I’m going to need more time to do such and such... how are we going to work it so we can still have time together.”

Unfortunately, in my last relationship even though I had the best of intentions, I said: “I'm going to be working really hard on my new website so I'm going to need my weekends free.” Which she took as me pushing her away.

Secondly, I’m trying to control my temper. I get anxious easily and can snap at people - obviously, it's easier to do this at the person that is closest to you who you spend the most time with. It came up recently, in fact, my new partner is Turkish and in their culture telling your partner what to do is a sign that they care about you and want to help you. But for your average Kiwi bloke that is some serious nagging action! So, I gave her the infamous Downie ‘filth stare’ and needless to say it didn’t go down very well!

Afterward, when we talking about it became clear to me that my anxiety had been building up over the previous two days where I felt she had been picking at me. What I should have done is talked to her calmly about this before I had gotten really annoyed.

Another real positive aspect of this new relationship is being more flexible and learning to trust. I think I have some positive qualities but overwhelming generosity is not one of them!! I have also had a very black and white view on gender equality which went something like this ... “Stop cherry picking... if you want to be equal then be equal... the first date I’ll pay, even second date, but after this, if you’re not offering to pay your share...alarm bells!” I’ve always preferred splitting things 50/50… no arguments, no misunderstandings.

Over the years this has evolved so that the “one day I pay for everything next time you pay for everything” arrangement is acceptable. It's amazing when you talk to different people about this and also people from various cultures, everyone has a different take. It's actually really hard to know the right thing to do, I don't want to be selfish but I also don't want to be taken for a ride or constantly be going over my budget.

I thought about it and decided to be very open and blunt with my new girlfriend and I guess it helped that I already knew that she liked me and we weren't in that horrible “I don't know want to be put in the ‘friend-zone’” phase. As I said before she is Turkish and in her culture men pay for everything but she said to me, “I can help.”

This was challenging for me - what does that mean? “Help” when? and how much?! For someone like me who sees things in such black and white terms, it all sounded a bit Wishy Washy! So, I made her explain and she goes “Ok Sean... I’m always watching you I’m never going to let you pay too much”.

I had a think about it and thought ok let's do it her way just trust her and see what happens. And so far, it's been working out really well she never takes advantage and also, I find myself being more generous and not worrying about if I'll have enough.

Which brings me to the last point which I think is making my life a whole lot easier. Just do nice things for your partner! They don't need to be expensive what's 10 bucks for a bunch of flowers or 10 minutes for a foot massage or if you just see something that you know they would like, just get it for them…regularly! not three times a year on birthdays, Valentines and Christmas day! Regularly! A good woman will really appreciate these gestures… everybody wins!

Well, that’s what is my making my life better at the moment - I hope I have the good sense to keep it up.

#relationship #happiness #dating