How to 'Make' a Date Like You

One of the things I have found working with people recently is how many of them worry about creating a positive impression when there on a date. How they dress, what they smell like, what sort of car they drive, where they go, what they say and how they act. The common goal for all of the above was making the other person like them. I’m sure this is not a foreign concept for you, I’m guessing you may have done exactly the same thing! I know that before I got married I spent hours researching, planning, preparing and practicing before I went on any date all in the name of making someone else like me. Despite all this work pre-date and all the effort during the date I still had failures. Girls would not call me back, they sometimes ghosted me or were honest and just said straight up no thank you. Anytime this happened I would start doing a mental breakdown of the date trying to find any little detail that I had overlooked, any shred of evidence that pointed to what I had done ‘wrong’. Sometimes I would be upset for a couple of weeks afterward just lamenting life and how unjust everything was, sometimes I would say to myself if she would just give me another chance I would do better, I wouldn’t make the same mistakes, I would make her like me. I am willing to bet that if you’re still reading this then you can resonate with some part of what I have said. The good news is I do have a solution and one that is so painfully obvious that you’ll want to kick me or kick yourself. Mindreading I have come to the conclusion that the only way to truly ensure you can manipulate someone into liking you is through mind reading. By utilizing your latent mutant powers, you can see exactly what your date wants, what they find funny, how they want you to behave, where they want to eat and what sort of freaky sexual adventure they are up for. I am pretty sure however that reading people’s minds is not actually a skill that humanity possesses so I guess were fucked in that regard. Before you quite this article in frustration I promise that mindreading is not actually the message I want to convey. I simply wanted to highlight that the idea of making someone like you requires a super power. You can’t make someone like you, just like they can’t make you like them. In general, when we go on a date we are showing some level of interest in the other person. I wouldn’t go as far as to say you like them however as there have been times I went on dates even though I didn’t like the other person. Usually, these situations were linked to my own selfish needs or insecurities, but I just wanted to point out that it is possible to start from the very outset with one of the parties on a date already feeling negative about their situation. Choice Let’s however assume were in a situation where both parties are relatively neutral or have some basic level of interest in each other either physically or through some initial communication. I really want to highlight that at any moment of a date or in any situation you always have a choice. This choice represents possibility and that’s all. I would ask you to open your mind to the idea that there are no right or wrong choices, no good or bad choices simply possibilities of what may happen and that these possibilities are almost always the ones we create in our own minds. Until you make that choice and allow the universe to take effect then it has no substance. Now I do believe that if you apply the concept of helpful or harmful there will be choices that seem better than others and I’ll talk a little more about this concept shortly. The key point that I really would like you to take away from this section is the power of choice free from good or bad that you have in any situation, but hey it’s your choice if you do. Helpful Vs Harmful A key concept we talk about in Brojo is the idea that any choice you make should be weighed up based on this concept. · Will it be helpful to me right now and/or long-term? · Will it be harmful to me right now and/or long-term? The ideal situation would be helpful right now and in the future, but unfortunately so often the choices we make are just not that easy. If you get one that is, enjoy it! If I am trying to lose weight then eating a piece of cake is harmful right now and in the future, it can also be helpful right now as I get the endorphin rush of the instant gratification of eating the cake but long-term I can’t justify it as being good for my goal of losing weight. This example is a very simple one but for me time and time again by running my choices through the harmful/helpful decision-making matrix I have been able to determine what is the best choice I can make at the time with the information I have. It works regardless of the situation. Let’s run through a more complex scenario and see how it applies. You’re on a date and it's going well, you have made the other person like you………they say let’s go back to your place and get it on. Jackpot you think to yourself, however, you have had a fair bit to drink and you drove your car into town and parked in one of the horrendously expensive parking garages. You are now faced with a range of choice in this situation. I have listed a couple below that I thought of but you can probably think of more. · Say yes or no to a night of passion…. helpful/harmful? I get sex, I like this person, I am single, I have my own place so won’t upset any flatmates, it could be the start of a great relationship, I don’t have any condoms at my place and am worried about STI’s, I am worried about performance anxiety, she is very intoxicated and I am worried about conflicting with my values. · Should I drive my car home…. helpful/harmful? It’s the easiest way for me to get home and start getting jiggy, I don’t want to leave my car overnight as it might get stolen, it will be expensive if I leave it parked in town, my house is close, if I get caught I will get a fine and could lose my job, drink driving is a good way to kill myself quickly. The thing with helpful/harmful and why it is so powerful is that it’s a totally subjective measure that’s relevant to you as an individual and the unique situation that you find yourself in at any given moment in time. None of the above thoughts/choices are wrong they just are and until you decide you won’t know how any of them will play out. Acceptance You're still on the date and you now know that you can’t mind read. You do have the power of choice and can utilize the helpful vs harmful decision-making matrix. The final piece of the puzzle for me is Acceptance. Whenever you engage in any social interaction ask yourself how much of this interaction do you control? At best its 50% though I am happy to discuss this on a deeper level as there is plenty of research that suggests we don’t have full control over ourselves, but for now 50% will do. Think about this for a second, you're sitting across the table from a date and they ask you about your living situation? A) I live at my parents’ house currently (honesty). B) Freak the fuck out thinking how to I answer this, will she think I’m a loser that I live with my parents, should I lie tell her I flat with mates or will she think I a ladiator party boy or should I tell her I have my own place and rent it out but what happens if she asks to visit it, how can I possibly answer this so she will like me? This is where all the other concepts I have talked about come into play. Run the choice through the helpful vs harmful matrix, sure lying could seem like the easy win here with no short-term consequences, but what about long-term if this person is someone I connect with they are likely to find out about any bullshit I spin now which could damage our relationship down the track. You also have to accept that only 50% of this conversation is yours to control unless you can read minds how do you know what is the right answer to give. Really think about for a second. If you came to the conclusion that there is no right answer then nice work. If your applying the helpful vs harmful matrix and doing so with some empathy for the person across the table from you then you shouldn’t be saying anything to deliberately hurt or offend them. Of course, you won’t know what the effect of what you choose to say or do until after you have made the choice. Summary You can’t make people like you, it’s impossible so give up trying. Every second you spend doing so is time lost, every ounce of energy invested is wasted. Instead focus on being yourself, when you’re on a date. Choose the honest answer tempered by empathy and run through the helpful vs harmful matrix, accept you don’t know how the other person will react regardless of what you say until it comes out your mouth and celebrate that you have a choice about what you do in any situation. When I think about all the effort I put into ‘making’ people like me and how every time it ended up with what I would consider the natural result anyway in the long run. When eventually the effort of making them like me became too great to sustain, or I miss stepped and they saw the real me they either liked me or they didn’t. Which is no different than people around me today, I no longer try to make others like me, I am just me. I accept that those who aren’t good fits for me aren’t people who I spend time with and those who are I can now focus much more time and effort on. So, next time you’re on a date my challenge to you is don’t worry about making them like you. Worry about liking yourself first and enjoying the experience of social connection. If they don’t like you then they don’t like you that result is unlikely to change over the long run. Instead get to that point as quickly as possible so your free to find the people that do like you and spend your time with them instead.

#dating #communication